Be His "Jetpack"

The most commonly accepted position for cuddling is labeled "spooning." Some people don't realize that there are two varieties of this position, because only one is widely publicized.

In movies, magazines, commercials, they usually show the female to be the "little spoon." This has to do with the association that the woman is small and soft and the male is her protector. Nothing wrong with this position. The problem, ladies, is the fact that I know a few girls who either cuddle like this or don't cuddle at all!

I'm here to tell you that you're not the only person who enjoys that feeling of safety, warmth, and love pressing into your back. When he rolls away, it's not always because he doesn't want to cuddle. Sometimes he just wants to lie on his other side, etc. Instead of feeling abandoned, scoot, scoot, scoot over to him and press those boobies into his back. Wrap your top arm under his arm, and rest your hand on his chest. Sooo comfortable.

This position isn't for everyone, but I urge you to try it out. You might like it!

Love His Team

If you are a sports fanatic, and you've got a team that you'll worship until you die, this entry is not for you. This is for the girls who have never sat through a football game, and don't know what a two-point conversion is. For the girls who don't know why the Superbowl is such a big deal, listen up.

Chances are, your significant other has a certain team that he has grown up worshipping since he was knee-high to a grasshopper. He might have particular players that he always roots for. Whether it's football, basketball, soccer, he's got "his team" that can't win unless he watches every game they play.

Instead of trying to block out his passionate Touchdown Dance, take a one moment out of your day to notice what is so important to him. Who is his team? Who is his favorite player? Every girl should know these pieces of information, and if you're curious, ask him why he made those decisions. By taking an interest, you're opening yourself to a whole new world of conversation. Ask him if he'll explain the rules to you if you watch a game with him, and if he's hesitant, assure him you'll bring the beer. That should do the trick.

By ignoring him, you're putting up a divider between the two of you. Embracing "his team" brings you closer together. Last year, Boyfriend's team made it to the Superbowl, but he was out of town for the game. I watched it with his friends, and Boyfriend texted me every time they got a touchdown. I show him I care about his team, and his texts are like a long-distance chest bump. My interest strengthens our bond as friends, which is the foundation a successful romantic relationship.

If sports bore you to tears and you can't possibly watch an entire game without committing hara-kiri, all you really should know if the name of his team. That way, you can at least cheer for them if you're accidentally in the room while a game is going on. Want to show him you love him without actually learning anything about the sport? Buy a t-shirt or tank with their logo on it, surprise him wearing nothing but that, and watch the magic happen.

Date Idea: Go Cart Racing

Before you buy those tickets to Mamma Mia! for your anniversary, consider that he might not want to sit through hours of men in tights singing pop songs. Anniversaries are about togetherness, and they're about what you like as much as what he likes. And who doesn't like tearing up some rubber on the racetrack?

Maybe you're wary about it because you've never been, but I'm telling you it is absolutely amazing. You have a steering wheel, a brake pedal, and a gas pedal- nothing difficult about it. The object is to race around the track as fast as you can, skidding around turns, cutting people off. It's a great, safe way to get your adrenaline pumping.

Why it's good for a date:
Fun competition without a lot of pressure on talking. And all that racing will give you a topic to discuss afterward! Not too expensive, and will get you both laughing and in a good mood.

Why you'll enjoy it:
It's easy and fun, and you'll look amazing doing it.

Why he'll enjoy it:
Because it's awesome, of course. Also because he gets to watch you riding around with the wind blowing through your hair, and your chesticles bouncing like there's no tomorrow. However, the fact that you suggested such a badass date idea will be the most impressive part, and make him want to see what else you've got up your sleeve.

Bring a Condom

First of all, anyone who is having recreational sex should be wearing protection, whether you've been together for five years or five minutes.

But I use birth control!
Nice try, Lazy Susan. Birth control fails all the time, so if you want to be 99.9% sure you won't get pregnant, use a condom.

He says he doesn't like to wear condoms.
If he's pressuring you into doing something you're uncomfortable with, you probably shouldn't have sex with him at all.

He says he's clean.
Are you going to put your life on the line for a few minutes of unprotected bliss? Some STDs take months to rear their ugly head, so unless he's been celibate for the last year and tested every month, I recommend you wrap it. He could also be lying, so don't discount that option.

We're safe- he pulls out!
Don't even get me started...

I'm not planning to have sex tonight.
Yeah, but you never know. When you're in a compromised state, it's easy to start bargaining with yourself about what you're willing to do. A steamy makeout session could go down that road, so it's better to be safe than sorry.

Even if you don't need it, someone else might. I've been in plenty of situations where my friends are about to seal the deal, and realize they're unprepared. They will be forever grateful to you for your help. Also, do this enough times, and you may earn the coveted title of "Cock Assist," reserved for only the coolest of bitches.

Keep Spare Bags

Depending what bad habits your man has, you'll need to keep certain amenities in your car. I know Boyfriend loves to drink, and he occasionally likes to chew tobacco. That means I need to keep extra plastic bags, and a few empty water bottles within reach so he can spit in them.

He's not the only one who might need them. Chances are, your significant other has a few friends that have the same vices. By that, I mean if Boyfriend is drunk as a skunk, I'm probably transporting one or two of his male friends in the backseat who have had just as much to drink. I keep several bags on hand for emergencies like this, as well as empty water bottles for his friends. I also keep small snacks- chips, crackers, etc- in my glove box, to appease the drunken ruckus as we drive from location to location. I have Boyfriend's favorite CDs that he likes to scream along to when he's in said state, and I keep them near the passenger seat so he can man the radio. If I'm really unsure about the nausea level, I keep a towel in my trunk to put underneath whomever I'm worried about, and if an incident does occur, God forbid, I have stain remover and Febreeze in the trunk, too.

I realize I'm a walking convenience store, but it's only because I know very well what kind of situation I'll be dealing with every weekend. If your friends are stoners, maybe keep little snacks in your trunk. If your friends recreationally do heroine, you should probably seek rehab.

Anyway, people would be immediately impressed with how prepared you are if you put some thought into what items they might be interested in. Boyfriend will mention that he's hungry, and as I toss him a small bag of Cheetos, the expression of happiness on his face is priceless. As he tears into the defenseless snack like a famished hyena, mumbling thankyous through his mouthful of Cheetos, it warms my heart... until a few minutes later, he grabs the bag a beat too late and Cheeto tequila vomit coats the floor.*


*This particular situation has never happened- I don't want you to think badly of Boyfriend. He's never vomited on my car seats. Until last night. And that was chips-and-salsa vomit, not Cheetos, and he got almost all of it in the bag!

Paint Your Toes

There are so many parts of the body that are more attractive than the feet. They get the most abuse of any appendage, yet they tend to be forgotten, and downright ignored. They deserve some TLC!

Why does he like it when you paint your toenails?

Adding a little polish is like applying some lipstick- it shows that you're putting in some effort to look nice on a regular basis. It helps you to look more clean and... well, polished. If you don't like color, just make sure you regularly clean out dirt, and keep those babies trimmed. Having good-looking feet increases your chances of spontaneous foot rubs. Who wouldn't want that?

Why do you like it when you paint your toenails?

Happy feet can be an instant boost of confidence. Sometimes I'll have a bad hair day, none of my clothes will fit right, but at lease my toes look damn cute. When I go swimming, I make sure I'm chip-free. When I go out, I wear open-toed shoes because I want everyone to see my new paint job.

More important than the paint is the process. At least once a month, give yourself a pedicure. Turn on your favorite music playlist, remove your chipped polish, soak your feet in warm water for five minutes (at least), and scrub them down. Pat dry, thoroughly clean out dirt and extra skin from under/around your nails, and lotion lotion lotion. Massage your feet and legs until the lotion is rubbed in. Use a Q-tip or paper towel to wipe the lotion off of just your nail. Apply color of your choice, and let air dry. You will be surprised how much of a stress reliever this process can be, and how regal you'll feel afterwards.

Like foot massages? When your man has had a particularly rough week, or maybe just because you want him to know how much you care, break out the lotion give him a surprise foot rub. He might not reciprocate right then (let him have his relaxation time), but he'll take the hint. And hey- if he doesn't, just ask!

Recipe: BLT Bowls

Bacon. Need I say more?

Men need a healthy supply of bacon every day in order to survive. Well, maybe not, but they sure act like it!

Adding bacon to any meal can make it an instant winner.* Of course there's the bacon cheeseburger, but what about bacon mac n' cheese? How about some delicious bacon mashed potatoes? When Boyfriend has his friends over, their favorite thing that I make is bacon grilled cheese. I'm sure you've heard of these combinations before, but here's a fantastic appetizer that will get everyone talking. (Recipe from Allrecipes.com)

What you need:

-18 strips of bacon

-1 muffin pan

-1 head of lettuce

-1 1/2 cups cherry tomatoes

-Grated parmesan cheese, to taste

Preparation: Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Take upside-down muffin tin and cover in foil- the runoff can get pretty messy, so I suggest leaving some extra on the sides and making a "skirt" to collect the grease. Cut cherry tomatoes in half.

Step 2: Weave the bacon (that's right, weave it!) into a mat that is 9 strips across and 9 strips wide. Cut into 9 even squares. Place each square over one of the foil covered muffin cups.

Step 3: Put the bacon in the oven for 10 minutes, or until it's crispy- you need it to be strong enough to form a kind of basket, so floppy bacon won't do! When they're done, remove them from the oven and let them sit until they're cool enough to touch. While you wait, chop/tear your lettuce into strips.

Step 4: When your bowls are cool enough, dab the grease off (optional) and fill with lettuce and tomatoes. Sprinkle cheese on top for extra deliciousness. Eat one before you put them out, because because by the time you go into the kitchen to get napkins for everyone, they'll disappear.

*Some meals may be improved by the addition of bacon, but will still not make said meal edible. For example: if I were to whip up a batch of fried brussel sprouts with bacon, my boyfriend would still not be a fan.

Dry His Tears

People who say men are emotionless have never met a real man. That being said, men definitely have a different way of showing emotion than women.

When Boyfriend drinks a lot, he gets even more passionate than usual, and things get crazy. He likes to strike up conversation with everyone who walks past, the people sitting nearby, even the guy peeing next to him at the urinal. Last night, his brother was in town, so of course they got so hammered that they couldn't even walk straight.

At one point, the inevitable happened- the "I love you, man" moment. This moment is usually more intense when it's between brothers. Boyfriend started hugging his brother and telling him over and over how proud he is that they're family, how much he loves him, etc. His brother was in a rush to get to the bathroom, so he cut the moment short. As he stumbled away, I saw Boyfriend was crying. I don't think he noticed, because he made no effort to wipe the tears away as they made little rivers down his cheeks.

I held him and told him how much I love him, how much his brother loves him. He thanked me, and I could tell his alcohol-induced ADD was kicking in. Before he could run off to make new friends, I stopped him and wiped his tears away. His tears were for me to see, and me only.

When the night was over, I put his arm around my shoulder, held his brother's arm, and guided both drunken men back to the car safely. That's my idea of a good time.

Take a Breather

Boyfriend has his share of quirks. He's constantly rocking back and forth, he can only listen to the radio on even numbers or multiples of five, but the hardest thing for me is how he shows affection. I was raised by parents who don't believe in saying mean things- seriously, I cut my sister's hair when she was two years old and I was four, and all I had to do was promise my mom I wouldn't do it again. Guess what. I did it again. Boyfriend's parents raised three boys who got the belt when they misbehaved. That would explain why he's so down to Earth and I'm so... creative.

He likes to make fun of me when I say stupid things, because that's how his parents are with him. He'll say, "Oh my God, you're so retarded," and we'll laugh it off. He doesn't mean I'm literally retarded, he's just joking around. When we first started dating, we spent 24/7 together, and after a few weeks of nothing but him, I started to get offended by these remarks. This also happens when I don't get enough sleep, or I'm hungry or stressed. One day, he called me a stupid or some other equivalent name, and I burst into tears. I cried, "You don't like being around me, and you think I'm stupid!" He assured me that it's all just in fun, but he was obviously confused, because I never had a problem with it up until that moment.

If those little quirks you usually think are so adorable start to drive you out of your mind, it's time for a Night Out.

Call up your ladies and plan something fun, or plan some relaxation time for just you and Netflix. You'd be surprised how much of a difference it makes to just get your eight hours of sleep! The truth is, you need your time to unwind and concentrate on yourself. Take a bath, paint your nails, go on a hike, do some woodshop, give yourself some time for just you and your hobbies.

He needs time, too. As cute as he thinks you are, he needs some time with just his friends where he can be himself without you around. You're not two halves of one whole, as much as you may feel that way. You're two people who need to be apart sometimes. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. In fact, time apart gives him the chance to miss you, so it might even make him love you more!

And one more thing: Don't consider time at work as time away from each other. My hours at work have been steadily increasing, and Boyfriend just got a new full-time job. This means we have less free time than ever, but I know I can't use it all myself. He still needs his Guy's Night Out, and I respect that.

First and Foremost

The first step in being a great girlfriend has nothing to do with being a girlfriend. Before you can go on the prowl for a mate, you have to be totally and completely head-over-heels in love. With yourself. I don't mean narcissistic, or self-obsessed; I mean you need to be the kind of person you would want to date.
I want a guy who is honest, funny, self-assured, and kind (for starters). In order to meet someone with those qualities and make things last, I need to possess all of those qualities myself. What kind of self-assured guy would want to date a woman with a list of insecurities the size of China?
Take care of yourself, love yourself, and when you're ready, you can start looking for that ideal guy. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
Once you've found your perfect-for-you man, you can start making efforts to become an awesome girlfriend.