Skip the Makeup

Good morning, ladies!

How much work does it really take to go from Beast to Beauty? We've grown up surrounded by magazines and billboards depicting "the perfect woman," when we should actually be looking at these images and praising "the perfect Photoshop artist" who created these ads. Yet we spend hours in the bathroom every morning, plucking and primping, trying to compete with these larger-than-life retouched creations.

If you spend one hour doing your hair and makeup every morning, that amounts to seven hours a week. 350+ hours every year gone, just getting ready to get out there and live your glorious life! Imagine what you could do with that time. You could cook yourself a tasty and nutritious breakfast before heading off to work, and pack a lunch for later. You could study a new language, or learn to ride a unicycle. The world is your oyster.

I'm not trying to say makeup is bad, but I will say that too much makeup is absolutely bad. I don't think I'll ever understand the Jersey Shore look, and I'm okay with that.

Despite what impressions the media gives, not all men like a 1-inch-thick layer of slime on your face. It rubs off on people's clothes when you hug them, and it's just generally odd to look at. It's also unhealthy for your skin. You know that tiny zit you buried in coverup? Now there are five more nasty blackheads where that first one was. You know those freckles that you're trying to cover up? Stop it. Everyone else thinks they're adorable, and you should, too.

Men like the natural look. Go a day without makeup, or try a minimal amount, and see what a difference it makes.

Now, that's sexy!

Recipe: Redneck Lasagna

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EAT THIS IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. THIS RECIPE IS WHAT WILLIS WAS TALKING ABOUT. IT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOU A VEGETARIAN.

This recipe is going to blow his mind, and possibly his left ventricle. That being said, I've been told it's quite delicious. In fact, Boyfriend's friends like it so much that they've offered to purchase the ingredients so I'll make it more often. I was laying around with Boyfriend when I had a vision... A vision of the perfect combination of everything that's bad for you. Alterations have been made with each version to create the nastiest, fattiest, most delicious entree of all time: Redneck Lasagna.

What you'll need:
-One glass baking dish, greased
-Large pot
-2 frying pans
-3 boxes of mac n' cheese
-Milk and butter for the mac n' cheese
-1 block of cheddar cheese
-1 block of jack cheese
-2 packages of bacon
-1 package ground beef
-2 potatoes
-Salt/pepper

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees (sure, why not?).

2) Cut potatoes at an angle, about 1/2 inch thick. Lay in pan so they overlap a bit. Salt and pepper to taste. This layer is mean to serve as a crust of sorts. Place pan in oven until potatoes are cooked through and start to look golden.

3) While you're waiting:
-Start boiling water for the mac n' cheese, and fry up the bacon. (Cut bacon into 2 or 3-inch chunks before frying so you can fit more in the pan.)
-In another pan, start frying the ground beef- season with salt and pepper to taste.
-Also, start slicing the cheese blocks into thin strips.

4) When your potatoes are all golden, take them out of the oven, and lay down some of that glorious cheese. Put the tray back in just for a minute or two so that cheese gets all melty.

 Sweet baby Jesus, that's the stuff.

5) Now for the mac n' cheese. Your water should be boiling by now, so whip up about three boxes worth. Leave it a tiny bit undercooked, or al dente, because no one likes gooey pasta. When it's done, make a layer of mac n' cheese on top of your cheesy potatoes, and a layer of ground beef on top of that.

6) And a layer of bacon...

If it looks like this, you're doing it right.

7) We'll cement this layer by adding a layer of cheese.

"Oh no, my pan is almost full!"

**Take a moment to "squash" the contents into the pan. I like to take a piece of plastic wrap and basically push down the ingredients until they feel more compacted. Make sure to keep it all level.**

8) Now add a second layer of mac n' cheese, and more ground beef, of course. 

9) Additional layer of bacon is optional required.

Yes, I know they're the same pictures, but you get the point.

10) Add your top layer of cheese. Decorate to taste. I also recommend going through the "squashing" process once more.

11) Set oven to low, and leave in until top layer of cheese is melty, or until it's time to serve. And don't forget the most important part...

That's right- more bacon!

Worth 1,000 Words

Be His "Jetpack"

The most commonly accepted position for cuddling is labeled "spooning." Some people don't realize that there are two varieties of this position, because only one is widely publicized.

In movies, magazines, commercials, they usually show the female to be the "little spoon." This has to do with the association that the woman is small and soft and the male is her protector. Nothing wrong with this position. The problem, ladies, is the fact that I know a few girls who either cuddle like this or don't cuddle at all!

I'm here to tell you that you're not the only person who enjoys that feeling of safety, warmth, and love pressing into your back. When he rolls away, it's not always because he doesn't want to cuddle. Sometimes he just wants to lie on his other side, etc. Instead of feeling abandoned, scoot, scoot, scoot over to him and press those boobies into his back. Wrap your top arm under his arm, and rest your hand on his chest. Sooo comfortable.

This position isn't for everyone, but I urge you to try it out. You might like it!

Love His Team

If you are a sports fanatic, and you've got a team that you'll worship until you die, this entry is not for you. This is for the girls who have never sat through a football game, and don't know what a two-point conversion is. For the girls who don't know why the Superbowl is such a big deal, listen up.

Chances are, your significant other has a certain team that he has grown up worshipping since he was knee-high to a grasshopper. He might have particular players that he always roots for. Whether it's football, basketball, soccer, he's got "his team" that can't win unless he watches every game they play.

Instead of trying to block out his passionate Touchdown Dance, take a one moment out of your day to notice what is so important to him. Who is his team? Who is his favorite player? Every girl should know these pieces of information, and if you're curious, ask him why he made those decisions. By taking an interest, you're opening yourself to a whole new world of conversation. Ask him if he'll explain the rules to you if you watch a game with him, and if he's hesitant, assure him you'll bring the beer. That should do the trick.

By ignoring him, you're putting up a divider between the two of you. Embracing "his team" brings you closer together. Last year, Boyfriend's team made it to the Superbowl, but he was out of town for the game. I watched it with his friends, and Boyfriend texted me every time they got a touchdown. I show him I care about his team, and his texts are like a long-distance chest bump. My interest strengthens our bond as friends, which is the foundation a successful romantic relationship.

If sports bore you to tears and you can't possibly watch an entire game without committing hara-kiri, all you really should know if the name of his team. That way, you can at least cheer for them if you're accidentally in the room while a game is going on. Want to show him you love him without actually learning anything about the sport? Buy a t-shirt or tank with their logo on it, surprise him wearing nothing but that, and watch the magic happen.

Date Idea: Go Cart Racing

Before you buy those tickets to Mamma Mia! for your anniversary, consider that he might not want to sit through hours of men in tights singing pop songs. Anniversaries are about togetherness, and they're about what you like as much as what he likes. And who doesn't like tearing up some rubber on the racetrack?

Maybe you're wary about it because you've never been, but I'm telling you it is absolutely amazing. You have a steering wheel, a brake pedal, and a gas pedal- nothing difficult about it. The object is to race around the track as fast as you can, skidding around turns, cutting people off. It's a great, safe way to get your adrenaline pumping.

Why it's good for a date:
Fun competition without a lot of pressure on talking. And all that racing will give you a topic to discuss afterward! Not too expensive, and will get you both laughing and in a good mood.

Why you'll enjoy it:
It's easy and fun, and you'll look amazing doing it.

Why he'll enjoy it:
Because it's awesome, of course. Also because he gets to watch you riding around with the wind blowing through your hair, and your chesticles bouncing like there's no tomorrow. However, the fact that you suggested such a badass date idea will be the most impressive part, and make him want to see what else you've got up your sleeve.

Bring a Condom

First of all, anyone who is having recreational sex should be wearing protection, whether you've been together for five years or five minutes.

But I use birth control!
Nice try, Lazy Susan. Birth control fails all the time, so if you want to be 99.9% sure you won't get pregnant, use a condom.

He says he doesn't like to wear condoms.
If he's pressuring you into doing something you're uncomfortable with, you probably shouldn't have sex with him at all.

He says he's clean.
Are you going to put your life on the line for a few minutes of unprotected bliss? Some STDs take months to rear their ugly head, so unless he's been celibate for the last year and tested every month, I recommend you wrap it. He could also be lying, so don't discount that option.

We're safe- he pulls out!
Don't even get me started...

I'm not planning to have sex tonight.
Yeah, but you never know. When you're in a compromised state, it's easy to start bargaining with yourself about what you're willing to do. A steamy makeout session could go down that road, so it's better to be safe than sorry.

Even if you don't need it, someone else might. I've been in plenty of situations where my friends are about to seal the deal, and realize they're unprepared. They will be forever grateful to you for your help. Also, do this enough times, and you may earn the coveted title of "Cock Assist," reserved for only the coolest of bitches.